Sit with it. Healing happens by feeling.

There were a lot of quotes, sayings, ideas that came across my feed and in messages, during my years as a caregiver. I’ll be honest, some of them made me angry in the moment. Some of them I dismissed, knowing I wasn’t in a position to receive the “feel good” message. But this one… during year 3 of caregiving…

“Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Even though you want to run. Even though it’s heavy and difficult. Even though you’re not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.”

During Year 1…didn’t want to hear it. Year 2…Just don’t… Year 3…Okay, I’ll try that. Year 4…I am glad I got that in year 3.

Healing starts to happen, when you let yourself feel all the emotions, pain, uncertainty, questions…And, I mean, really feel it, down to your bones.

Healing does not mean that the pain is gone or sadness doesn’t creep in. But it gives you the space to allow it, and grow through it. To become whole, even when something feels missing.

I only let myself half-feel during the first 2 years of caregiving. I suppose I told myself I had to be strong.

I was on the verge of tears, daily, for 2 years, before I finally let myself fully feel and let the tears flow; until I finally let myself feel all the pain, emotionally. And, that was just a turning point.

It was a small pivot, but a pivot in a healthy direction, to accept and heal. And, during that year, as Dave became more difficult, more distant, wandering, breaking and hiding things…. I made the decision that I had to listen to the advice of my health care people, and do something proactive to take care of myself.

I worked really really hard the last year or so of Dave’s life; physically, mentally, spiritually. And it wasn’t easy or fun.

But, where that all started in earnest, was when I allowed myself to sit in all of it…the messy, the past, the future, the pain… And, the difference from that and what I had done the previous 2 years, was that after ”sitting in it,” I got up and did something proactive.

I will tell you now from this vantage point, ”the valley” taught me a lot, and I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t choose it, but I really can look back now and at the very least, appreciate what I learned about God, about me, about life, about friendships, about family….in the valley.

Mountaintops are nice and glorious. But, I appreciate those moments so much more now, than I did 3 years ago.

(And, I would not have listened to you if you had told me this during the hardest years…I couldn’t. So, don’t feel bad if you are reading this, during a hard time, and thinking… you are crazy, Anne…I can take it. I understand. And, it’s okay to feel that way too.)

Anne

Caregiver Confession - I Just Wanted to Run Away

My caregiver confession to you today, is that there have been times when I just wanted to run away.

With young onset Alzheimer’s, it becomes noticeable and is diagnosed before age 65. Typically, it progresses more aggressively than later life Alzheimer’s. But, there is not timeline. And with no timeline or even expectation of the rate of progression, it becomes overwhelming to the caregiver, very quickly.

So, here we are, starting our third year of my husband’s disease, although to be frank, there were signs two to three years earlier, just off and on.

I felt like I could handle it, full time caregiving. And in the beginning, which I’ve written about a little bit earlier in the blog, a lot of my attention was on all the legal and financial forms and steps that I needed to get done. That kept me pretty busy for months. And, it was the time that was probably the hardest on my husband. Suddenly, though he had been getting lost when he was running errands for over a year before this, his doctors said he couldn’t drive, couldn’t use firearms, and shouldn’t use any power tools that might cause serious injury if he had a lapse in judgement, such as with a chainsaw, for instance. So, he became very restless and irritable at me, who seemed like the one who was making all the rules. But, my marriage advisor told me, I had to stay calm and not take anything personally.

In the first 6 months, from November to April, I left the house a total of 4 times by myself. Our lives were turned upside down. My husband was still fairly lucid more often than he is now. But, he had moments he thought we were divorced. One day, he looked me in the eyes and asked me if I had seen Anne. I asked him to repeat it, and he asked again. I said jokingly, “well, which one?” And he recovered, realized he had made some mistake and said, “oh, well you, of course.” That was in the first year.

As the days wore on, and all the decisions fell on my shoulders, and I gained weight and had few clothes that fit me, I had moments, when I just wanted to run away. We had had so many fun adventures and trips, mixed in with all the normal ups and downs of a longterm marriage. And it all stopped. I missed that life. We were no longer a couple, but a caregiver and a caregivee. And it hurt. It still hurts. But, I’m coping much better, and I haven’t run away.

Anne