I was so proud of myself, that I had reached this place of calm, and getting back to taking better care of myself. For 4 months, I didn’t fall apart or feel like I was on the verge of tears every time someone asked me how I was doing. I worked on my attitude and felt like I had turned a corner and could handle this journey.
I don’t know what has changed or if it’s just another cycle of grief, but these last few weeks have been really difficult.
My husband and I had big dreams together. This was the season of life where we planned to travel more and host people at our house. With his paranoia and confusion, that’s just not going to be our reality. I’ve tried to help prepare our adult sons as best I can, but I don’t really think there is a way to prepare yourself, except to be proactive in your healthcare, so caregiving doesn’t take you out.
I know that my health has deteriorated subtly in the last 2 years of caregiving. I know what to do, I just don’t always do it and I don’t understand why, so I don’t know how I can explain it to others. But, I made a decision last week to put my blinders on, and get back to exercise, at least 30 minutes a day, even if I’m tired.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more exhausted in my adult life, than I am now. Take care, caregiving friends.
I had a husband who loved me for 35 years. Years 36-37, my husband has become more private, more paranoid, and sometimes isn’t sure who I am, because of the young onset Alzheimer’s.
I’m tired of this part of my life’s journey. I just want to admit that. I sound calm, grateful, focused in person and I don’t want to sound that way here where you can’t see my expression or hear my voice. I do know and believe, in time, something will come from this experience that will help me be better in the future, but I don’t have any idea what that could be right now.
All I know today is, I am exhausted. And, there’s no way to know how long this journey will last or how slowly or quickly the brain will atrophy. We are taking one day at a time; one very long day at a time.
Anne
